Whenever I get the opportunity to speak to young people, I always take time to apologize to them and especially to the youth that I find in incarcerated settings, hooked on drugs, failing in school or according to societies standards... failing. I feel I need to do this because ... who taught them? Who guided them? Who healed them? OR NOT.
It brings to mind a situation where I was asked to go into a pre-school to assess a 4-year-old little boy who was "angry and out of control". It's amazing to me sometimes when I see these little children at 4 or 5 years of age and they're so angry. I can't help from wondering, "how do you get so much anger in just a few years?"
As I walked in this pre-school the teacher came up to me and said. “You must be Mr. Tello, the therapist. There's the angry little boy there in the corner, by himself. "
I asked, “What is his name?"
As I thought, can you tell me his name before you begin labeling or categorizing him? And I understand that it may be necessary to separate him from other children for their safety but children don't heal by themselves. In fact, isolation is the number-one factor that contributes to issues of addiction and dysfunctional behavior, yet we in this society promote " time out " and separation of children as a wholesale way of dealing with these problems. Unfortunately, wounded young people don't heal by themselves and, in fact, it is this type of disconnection to significant people in their lives that many times is the root of their confusion and distress.
So on that day after I tried to work with young Tommy and as I walking towards the door, an elderly woman in the room who worked as a volunteer called me over to her and said, “Son, you see that little boy over there? Well, he's very angry.”
I said, “Ma’m I know he's very angry, everybody knows Tommy's angry.”
Then she said, "No, but you don't understand, that's not his anger. That's his daddy’s anger, that's his grandpa's anger, that's his great-grand daddy's anger. That boy's got four generations of anger on his back, that's why he can't sit still."
This elder, in that preschool who they had cutting up shapes was probably the wisest person in the room as she clearly laid out that this little boy was carrying the pain, confusion and, undoubtedly, the blame for many people's inability to deal with life's issues ...and he was getting blamed for it all. Looking forward it doesn't taking a genius to guess what this little boy will look like as an adolescent when the baggage gets too heavy, when the pain gets to be too much and when the confusion becomes overwhelming.
So this is why I make a point of apologizing to the youth – having to carry our baggage. But that is the beginning. Because, if our young people can finally realize that it is not their baggage, but just passed through pain, then might be able to more easily get to the business of releasing it. Obviously, easier said than done especially when, energetically, these survival patterns have become attached to them.
This is where community, school, family and organizational helpers come into play and why the role we play is so significant. It's significant and it begins with a simple commitment to walk with, listen to, and move with compassion and support.
Many times after a youth has spoken something profound they ask each other, "Do you feel me?" Meaning can you feel, can you understand, can you put yourself in their shoes with out judgment and blame and without expectation? This first step of unconditional love and acceptance is the beginning to healing, guiding and supporting the journey of a wounded young person whereby they can re-root themselves in a soil of healthy development and begin once again the fulfillment of their sacred purpose in life. Do you feel me? I hope so because the youth are waiting.
Jerry Tello
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